What Response Do You Get?
How to improve your communication skills is an age-old question and only challenging to answer if we communicate poorly, which is likely the case more often then not. Communication is about the responses you get. So stop and think for a moment and ask just how well do I communicate? For the vast majority, the answer is probably not very well. Now that’s all very well and good making a blanket statement like that, so here’s a scenario which I’m sure you will be able to relate too.
Picture the scene …..
You and your friends are in a social setting, bar, cafe, lounge and one of your group starts a conversation with you. They start to tell you all about their recent holiday to Tenerife, how much fun they had, how hot it was, the people they met and so on. Initially, you are thoroughly engaged and listening intently to what they say, your body language even suggests you are listening. A short moment after they start talking you start to think about your recent holiday, how much more fun you had, how you enjoyed record temperatures and the fascinating people you met. Over the past few moments, you haven’t heard a word they said and you probably now look a little blank. Suddenly you blurt out all about your holiday to ‘Elevenerife’! Here’s the thing they haven’t even finished talking to you and you have just interrupted them to focus on your story.
I want to talk about me …
This scenario will be played every day in many conversations. The sad fact when we communicate is that we often only want to be heard and to talk about ourselves. Now if this sounds really alien to you observe what happens tomorrow. I bet you start to see this around you and if that is the case you are probably one of the minorities who have the ability to communicate. So how can we improve our ability to communicate? To quote Stephen Covey, ‘seek first to understand’. Yes, it’s that simple.
In keeping it simple here are some suggestions to improve your communication skills.
- Shut Up. That’s right, effective communication isn’t about you talking. As a rule of thumb if you talk more than listen then the ratio is wrong and you’re likely to be a poor communicator. Sorry, the probability is you like the sound of your own voice too much.
- The Ratio. Two ears to one mouth. You have two ears because listening is twice as important. The key here is to listen in order to understand.
- Be Present. Being present means the conversation is the one going on between you and the other party. All too often people find they have more focus on the conversation that’s going on in their head. What do I want to talk about? What were they talking about? Did I leave the iron on this morning?
- Tell your face. A major contribution to effective communication is the expression on your face and your eye movement, your non-verbal communication. I’m sure you will all be able to recant occasions where you were in conversation with someone and you could see they weren’t engaged. Looking around, or worst still looking at the smartphone or watch. Maybe they were more interested in the surrounding room and so on. Don’t ever let that be you, bring your A-Game to the conversation.
- Don’t Bull Shit. Ever been in a conversation with someone and you detect BS, what happens, how much do you then engage and how does the conversation end. Always seek to be authentic, never try to sound good or sound clever. Frankly, it’s just rude and will damage your credibility.
- It’s OK to ask questions. Asking questions to understand the discussion and the context. There will be occasions where you may lose focus, that’s okay just ask them to repeat or clarify what they said, additionally you may not understand what has been said so ask. You’re not going to master these skills overnight.
- Tune in. Tuning in is about you observing the other party and their emotional state as they talk to you. For instance, are they excited, angry, upset, amused and so on? This is about your ability to connect. If someone you are talking to is upset and you are smiling, it may have an adverse effect. In all probability, you will do this naturally when you are actively listening to someone. It’s when you’re not that you need to make sure you tune in.
In Summary
As simple as these communication skills sound when you have to focus on them in a conversation it can seem quite difficult. Paradoxically you’ll probably find that trying to apply them is a distraction. My advice is to understand what we have discussed here and next time you enter into a conversation monitor how much you are talking and how close your ‘I’s’ are. If you are talking a little too much about yourself then you might need to take a moment and review what you are talking about and who you’re talking with.
Remember communication is the response you get, go give it a go.
Now there’s a challenging thought to improve your communication skills.
